Many films and tv shows will show a scene whereby the troubled protagonist will prop up the end of a bar and unload all of their life woes on the willing bar keep. I can attest that this is true, people of all ages seem to feel that they can unload their issues on a virtual stranger, than talk to their friends or family. It's a phenomenon that's begun to somewhat fascinate me, I am a pretty insular person and I don't open up to people easily. To me it is unfathomable that people feel so comfortable talking to bar tenders about things that they often admit they don't talk to their significant other's about.
One such story really sticks in my mind, and I actually often feel humbled that someone feels comfortable enough to open up to me:
The tortured soul
One winters evening I was working on the bar, I was about 21 at the time and it was unusual for me to be on the bar on such an evening. Two couples came in and we were almost fully booked, they ended up sat on the table opposite the bar which was a big round table with a long bench that faced out towards me. The couples were in their mid fifties I'd say, one of the gentlemen came up to the bar to see what beers we sold, I noticed three things about him as he approached. firstly, his facial expression looked pained and distant - he had an almost robotic stare. Secondly, despite him being relatively well into middle age he had a commanding presence somehow, the way he walked and carried himself was in such a way that made you look at him. Thirdly, he had the most incredible and yet vacant blue eyes. As I greeted him he ordered four drinks, one drink for each person at his table, seemingly out of nowhere as I poured his first pint he suddenly said "We're going on holiday tomorrow, we are staying overnight in a nearby hotel".
I was somewhat taken aback as I wasn't expecting him to really make conversation. "That's lovely" I said.
"That's my best mate over there" he continued gesturing by tilting his head in the direction of the table. "We've been through a lot of stuff together" he added.
I can't quite describe why but I felt drawn to this man, I could tell by the look on his face that he needed to talk to someone and I could also tell he had decided that someone was me.
"We were in the army together" he said.
"Thank you for your service, it's very brave of you to risk your lives so that others don't have to". I meant that sincerely, I've always thought how lucky we are to live in a country where joining the armed forces is voluntary and not forced, and that brave men and women join up and defend our country so that not everyone has to.
"You don't have to thank me" he said in a sombre, raspy, unmistakably Scottish accent.
As i finished pouring his first drink he said "We come on holiday once a year together with our wives, our wives are close friends and often helped each other while we were away".
"I think it's lovely that you have remained friends" I replied, "You all seem like really nice people", I could make this assessment despite not actually having spoken to the other three by the way in which they were talking; I could see the warmth in their body language.
"I've suffered a lot since leaving" the man said, "You see me here with my friends and my wife going on holiday and you think everything is fine, but if you knew me, if you knew who I am, things I'd done you wouldn't think that" he said as his voice cracked slightly and he stared down at the bar.
I could see that this man was deeply tortured by his former job, and yet I could also see that he was a good person deep down, you become good at picking up on certain forms of intuition when you meet a lot of people all day every day and I knew that I wanted to help console this man.
"I wouldn't think that" I said, to which he raised his eyes off the bar and his cold blue eyes felt like they looked through me. "Can I tell you why I wouldn't think you were a bad person" he seemed transfixed on me as I poured a glass of wine for his wife. "I meet a lot of people in here" I said gesturing to the bar around me, "I'm pretty good at weighing people up, and I can see that you are the type of man who would never have done anything (I emphasised the word anything) that you did not in that moment deem to be necessary or that was not an order given to you".
The mans eyes still didn't leave mine and I'm not entirely sure he had even blinked yet. He told me that he had never told his wife the things that had haunted him while he was away, he explained that he was glad to have his best friend by his side, and his best friends wife back home that he knew supported his wife. When he named the town they had lived in I knew instantly what he was telling me, without actually telling me. I have always been partial to a good documentary, and I knew this particular town was synonymous with the special forces.
I poured the remainder of his drinks and I listened to the man as he told me that he had struggled since leaving, and that he often battled with himself as to whether or not he was a good person or a monster. I have no experience of counselling but I always try to be honest with anyone who ever tells me anything that is troubling them. "I don't think you are a monster" I said "In fact, these things bother you BECAUSE you're not a monster, and because you are a GOOD man, who has been in situations that most of us would find unfathomable, and like I said your actions were the best thing or perhaps the only thing you could do at the time." The man took a sharp intake of breath and I could see him suck his emotion back inside, he gathered the four drinks, slotting the glasses into a square shape between both of his hands that enabled him to carry all four at once. "What's your name?" he asked me. I told him, but I did not ask him what his was, I knew anonymity was important for his former role. He paused before walking away and thanking me for hearing him out, he told me I was wise beyond my years and that one day I would make a wonderful wife for someone. I felt myself blush slightly but was proud of his compliment. I nodded to him and he nodded back in acknowledgement, he walked back to his table and rejoined his group.
Once their meal was over and the party stood up to leave, he whispered something quietly to his wife and he turned around and walked towards me at the bar. "I want to say thank you for your kind words earlier" he said "You don't know how much they meant to me... I mean it, you are truly unique and one day someone will be lucky to have you as a wife" again I smiled and nodded to him, he once more nodded back and he walked out of the door.
I have never told anyone about that exchange, nor have I ever seen the man again despite working at the same place for several years after. I have however often wondered about the man, I hope he was able to find inner peace and that perhaps someone qualified was able to help him. I went to the town in which we had discussed when I was passing through on a holiday and I stopped, deliberately at the church that is dedicated to the people in his unit that have died in conflicts protecting our country. I lit a candle and I thought of that man, of course he did not disclose what he had done that had convinced him he was a bad man, nor did I make any attempts to ask. I knew by the way he spoke and how tortured he was that deep down inside he was a good man, who would've had to make some tough decisions when in the middle of conflict. As I lit the candle below his units memorial, I prayed for his soul and internally thanked him and those like him for facing what we will never have to face, because he is brave enough to volunteer.
I hope I was able to bring that man, even just one second of peace, I always listen without judgment if someone comes to my bar and wants to talk. I see it as an important part of my job role and something I am genuinely proud to do for people. These are the times when hospitality is rewarding, and that for every "Karen" you meet - see last post. There is a more worthwhile person that you can actually make a difference to, and I hope leave an impression on.
Things I learned from these experiences:
Bar tenders are also unqualified counsellors
While I would never dream of bearing my soul to a stranger, there are many people who do
Working in hospitality isn't just serving drinks and running food, it's about making a difference to someones day.
Discretion and impartiality is key in all job roles
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